I am not much for just writing down my thoughts on paper for my own good. I'm not even sure that I will post this for everyone to see. Maybe.
I titled my blog Total Surrender because that is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. Surrendering certain things to the Lord is one thing, but the idea of having no control, giving all I am to God is daunting. But I know that in order for me to go where the Lord wants me to and to do what He has for me to do I have to surrender everything. Not just a part.
I have always been financially unstable. I could blame it on the fact that I was never taught how to handle money growing up, I could blame it on the fact that I haven't had the greatest of jobs. Those would be the easy things to blame it on. But honestly it all comes down to me. I haven't been the best at consistently tithing what I should. I have not laid my financial situation down at the throne.
Currently I am jobless. And sadly I have not done everything in my power to change that situation. For that I apologize to the family I live with because they let me stay here and I am not doing my end to the fullness that I should. It's not that I don't want a job. I do for the most part. I want to have the money to go back to CFNI. That is 100% where my heart is. Ever since I went in the fall of 2010 my heart was captivated. I need to get back and plan to work my tail off this summer to do so. If that means having very little of a life then that is what it means.
Total Surrender. Its a foreign concept for me. I've always had to be in control of my life. But God I lay this at Your feet. I place my finances at the throne. Please give me the strength to leave it there and to not try to pick it back up. I can only walk through this in Your strength because I am weak without You.
